The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize