....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
