So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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