Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
