i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
