I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I know her cup size but not her name....
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