I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Boobs speak an international language.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
