I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
