I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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