no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
