I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
