i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
