I puked a lego.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
