Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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