I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize