remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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