the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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