Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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