Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize