My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
