I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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