I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
