dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
