Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
