Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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