remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
