Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
