My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
