We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
