i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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