You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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