so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
