I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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