I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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