last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
