You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
