When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
