Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
