Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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