So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
