Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
