I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
