My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
