I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
