Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize