Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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