pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
