Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
