Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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