Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
