Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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