Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
