My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
