Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
