i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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