i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
