tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
