picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I wear drunk well.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
