we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
