I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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