he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
